I am on Margo the dog's side - rabbits are masquerading as fluffy and innocent but my veg patch tells a different story! And don't get me started about deer... Your writing is, however, elegance personified!
My name is Kerry Ellis. I am from Massachusetts, am 57 years old and have never once written a letter to an author before today.
My daughter currently lives in London, and while visiting her last weekend, I wandered into Daunt Books, on Marylebone High Street. It was my first time in the shop and it was charming. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, really just browsing and enjoying the atmosphere. The cheery orange cover of The Honesty Box jumped out and grabbed my attention. The flowers and produce on the cover also helped - I am a novice dahlia farmer. And then the tagline of “…what it is to be a woman, a wife and a mum…” and since I am all of those things, I happily thought this was a book for me. So I bought it and went off to explore the Wallace Collection museum, and go on with my day. It wasn’t until a little later that I read the back cover, and noticed the mention of neurodiversity. The universe certainly works in mysterious ways.
Lucy, please believe me that I am writing this with tears in my eyes as I try to express my thanks to you for writing this book. For sharing some of the journey you, Steve and your children have been, and continue to be, on. For being honest and vulnerable and real about the struggles of being in a neurodiverse marriage. For showing that finding small moments of joy - or at least contentment - can help carry a person through days or weeks or even months of difficulty.
You don’t know me but in countless ways, you wrote my story. I fully believe in the truth of the statement “if you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person.” My Faulkner is not the same person as your Steve. But dear God, the similarities just kept coming, page after page. We had been married for 27 years when we learned of his autism diagnosis, just over three years ago. We have worked with many therapists, doctors and coaches throughout this time but so often it has felt like we were alone in this - overwhelmed with information, confused by everything we were each trying to grasp and process, and in so much pain from the cumulative hurts of almost 30 years together. I don’t have a Thea and Adam and have felt isolated and alone in this experience. It is incredibly challenging to explain the uniqueness and complexity of this situation to anyone who hasn’t lived it. I don’t personally know anyone else who has. I don’t know you, but I do know you have lived it. You understand. And that helps me feel a little less alone.
Our marriage did not survive. We finalized our divorce this past December, about 6 months after our 30th wedding anniversary. We are very much still in each other’s lives, and work hard to be good co-parents to our three young-adult children, all of whom have been greatly impacted by this, and all of whom are taking it in their stride. We are a family forever, even if the family structure has changed. He and I are communicating well - certainly better now than when we were married. I work regularly with a coach and a therapist to help heal the wounds that were caused by our unhealthy and often dysfunctional marriage. I also continue to learn about neurodiversity and how it impacts lives and relationships.
There are many days when I am distraught about the divorce, or overwhelmed with grief at the loss of the partner I thought I would share my whole life with, or filled with the combination of sadness and pride of a newly empty-nester Mom. I try on those days to remember all the beautiful things in my life - our children being at the top of the list, followed by my parents and sisters, our dogs and my dahlias. And now on those tough days, I can return to your painfully accurate, sweet, honest, compassionate and comforting book and know I am not alone. Thank you thank you thank you.
I wish you and Steve and your family peace, health and happiness together.
Kerry, thank you SO much for getting in touch and sharing such a beautifully written account of your experience. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because I couldn’t find anything that was written by someone like me, and to hear that you came across it and that it has been of help, is the best review I could hope to receive.
As you so poignantly say, if you haven’t lived it, it is hard to get your head around, but for those of us who have and do, it can be complex, exhausting and challenging.
Steve and I have found a way through, but it is a continual journey and neither of us know what will happen in the future. I am so sorry that you and your husband have already reached the conclusion you have, but you both sound like exceptional people who prioritise your children and are kind to each other. As you so rightly say, you are still a family, just in a different shape and this gives me hope for whatever might change in my life. So thank you.
I really appreciate you getting in touch. And Daunts in Marylebone High Street is one of my favourite book shops so it feels especially serendipitous. Sending much love x
Love these family pics, especially the one with the board game. Rubbish writing, as usual. So stiled, so cool and distant.
😆
I am on Margo the dog's side - rabbits are masquerading as fluffy and innocent but my veg patch tells a different story! And don't get me started about deer... Your writing is, however, elegance personified!
You are right about the veg patch and the deer enjoying tulip bulbs…
Dear Lucy,
My name is Kerry Ellis. I am from Massachusetts, am 57 years old and have never once written a letter to an author before today.
My daughter currently lives in London, and while visiting her last weekend, I wandered into Daunt Books, on Marylebone High Street. It was my first time in the shop and it was charming. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, really just browsing and enjoying the atmosphere. The cheery orange cover of The Honesty Box jumped out and grabbed my attention. The flowers and produce on the cover also helped - I am a novice dahlia farmer. And then the tagline of “…what it is to be a woman, a wife and a mum…” and since I am all of those things, I happily thought this was a book for me. So I bought it and went off to explore the Wallace Collection museum, and go on with my day. It wasn’t until a little later that I read the back cover, and noticed the mention of neurodiversity. The universe certainly works in mysterious ways.
Lucy, please believe me that I am writing this with tears in my eyes as I try to express my thanks to you for writing this book. For sharing some of the journey you, Steve and your children have been, and continue to be, on. For being honest and vulnerable and real about the struggles of being in a neurodiverse marriage. For showing that finding small moments of joy - or at least contentment - can help carry a person through days or weeks or even months of difficulty.
You don’t know me but in countless ways, you wrote my story. I fully believe in the truth of the statement “if you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person.” My Faulkner is not the same person as your Steve. But dear God, the similarities just kept coming, page after page. We had been married for 27 years when we learned of his autism diagnosis, just over three years ago. We have worked with many therapists, doctors and coaches throughout this time but so often it has felt like we were alone in this - overwhelmed with information, confused by everything we were each trying to grasp and process, and in so much pain from the cumulative hurts of almost 30 years together. I don’t have a Thea and Adam and have felt isolated and alone in this experience. It is incredibly challenging to explain the uniqueness and complexity of this situation to anyone who hasn’t lived it. I don’t personally know anyone else who has. I don’t know you, but I do know you have lived it. You understand. And that helps me feel a little less alone.
Our marriage did not survive. We finalized our divorce this past December, about 6 months after our 30th wedding anniversary. We are very much still in each other’s lives, and work hard to be good co-parents to our three young-adult children, all of whom have been greatly impacted by this, and all of whom are taking it in their stride. We are a family forever, even if the family structure has changed. He and I are communicating well - certainly better now than when we were married. I work regularly with a coach and a therapist to help heal the wounds that were caused by our unhealthy and often dysfunctional marriage. I also continue to learn about neurodiversity and how it impacts lives and relationships.
There are many days when I am distraught about the divorce, or overwhelmed with grief at the loss of the partner I thought I would share my whole life with, or filled with the combination of sadness and pride of a newly empty-nester Mom. I try on those days to remember all the beautiful things in my life - our children being at the top of the list, followed by my parents and sisters, our dogs and my dahlias. And now on those tough days, I can return to your painfully accurate, sweet, honest, compassionate and comforting book and know I am not alone. Thank you thank you thank you.
I wish you and Steve and your family peace, health and happiness together.
With love, understanding and great hope,
Kerry
Kerry, thank you SO much for getting in touch and sharing such a beautifully written account of your experience. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because I couldn’t find anything that was written by someone like me, and to hear that you came across it and that it has been of help, is the best review I could hope to receive.
As you so poignantly say, if you haven’t lived it, it is hard to get your head around, but for those of us who have and do, it can be complex, exhausting and challenging.
Steve and I have found a way through, but it is a continual journey and neither of us know what will happen in the future. I am so sorry that you and your husband have already reached the conclusion you have, but you both sound like exceptional people who prioritise your children and are kind to each other. As you so rightly say, you are still a family, just in a different shape and this gives me hope for whatever might change in my life. So thank you.
I really appreciate you getting in touch. And Daunts in Marylebone High Street is one of my favourite book shops so it feels especially serendipitous. Sending much love x
If that last train ever gets cancelled again, call on the Moffitts!
I know I am just a little bit biased, but that is writing at its most brilliant best.